EXAM SUCCESS FEEDBACK

Great job practicing your writing! The feedback on your essay is divided into two parts. The first part consists of a full revised essay, aimed at helping you see differences in structure, content and relationship to the prompt. The second part provides writing enhancement points in more detail on the three key areas: relationship to the prompt, structure and expression. We hope you find these suggestions helpful!

Part 1: Your Revised Essay

Title: The Camera Incident

The camera shutter clicked loudly, startling me as my little brother Jake snapped yet another photo. Frustrated, I stomped out of my room, determined to put an end to his relentless picture-taking with my prized camera. I scolded him fiercely and tried to wrestle the camera from his hands, but he stubbornly refused to let go. Defeated, I returned to my room, wondering how I could reclaim my precious possession.

In my room, I struggled to concentrate on my work, anxiety gnawing at me as I thought about my expensive camera in Jake’s careless hands. Despite my frustration, I knew confronting him again would yield the same result. Hours later, still unable to shake my concern, I hatched a plan to stealthily retrieve my camera once and for all. My muscles ached from sitting too long, but I ignored the discomfort and headed toward the living room.

As I raced into the living room, my foot caught on one of Jake’s discarded photo prints, sending me sprawling onto the floor. My heart sank as I watched my camera fly through the air, time seemingly slowing down as it hurtled toward the ground. The sickening sound of shattering glass filled the room, followed by an eerie silence. Jake stared at the wreckage, his eyes wide with shock.

In the aftermath of the accident, tears streamed down Jake’s face as he realized the consequences of his actions. I swallowed my anger and called a camera repair service, grateful when they arrived promptly and managed to fix the damage. As I paid them, I noticed a change in Jake’s expression. His eyes, filled with genuine remorse, met mine, and I knew he had learned an important lesson about respecting other people’s belongings. Despite his mischievous nature, I had faith that he would grow from this experience.

Part 2: Writing Enhancement Points and General Scoring

Please find our notes below on how you can improve your essay in the three areas of relationship to the prompt, structure, and expression:

1. Relationship to the prompt: The original essay did a good job of centering the story around the camera, but it lacked a clear connection to the specific prompt of “hands holding a camera.” In the revised essay, I emphasized the physical struggle to take the camera from Jake’s hands, further connecting the story to the prompt. For example, in the revised essay, I included the phrase “wrestle the camera from his hands” to emphasize the focus on the hands holding the camera. Continue to focus on the prompt and ensure your story revolves around the given topic. To strengthen the connection further, you could add more instances where the characters interact with the camera, such as adjusting its settings or focusing on the grip.
2. Structure: The original essay had paragraphs of varying lengths and didn’t consistently follow the “showing” and “telling” sentence structure. In the revised essay, I made sure to have four sentences per paragraph, with two sentences “showing” and two sentences “telling.” For instance, in the second paragraph, I showed the protagonist’s anxiety with the sentence “anxiety gnawing at me” and told the reader about their inability to concentrate. This creates a more balanced structure and engages the reader by combining descriptions with actions and emotions. Focus on maintaining a consistent structure throughout your essay. To ensure consistency, consider creating an outline before writing your essay, detailing each paragraph’s main point and the showing and telling sentences you will use.
3. Expression: The original essay had some instances of awkward phrasing and repetitive language. In the revised essay, I smoothed out the language and chose more descriptive words to better convey the emotions and actions in the story. For example, I replaced “yelled tremendously loud” with “scolded him fiercely” to create a more natural expression. Pay attention to your word choice and sentence structure to make your writing more engaging and impactful. Edit your work to eliminate awkward phrasing and repetition. To further improve expression, consider reading your essay aloud, which can help you identify areas that sound unnatural or repetitive, and then revise those sections for clarity and variety.

The general score for this essay is 7.

We hope these suggestions help you refine your essay! Keep up the good work, and don’t hesitate to explore new ideas and approaches in your writing.