Example of Expert Detailed Feedback on Sample Essay - Trying Something for the First Time

by Exam Success

The below essay was written by a previous student and is displayed here to demonstrate detailed feedback available under a Writing Club plan. This report is for Writing Club – Fundamentals. Join Writing Club – Fundamentals to improve your writing now!

The Essay: Annie Tries Ballet

Have you ever wanted to try something new? This is a story about a girl called Annie who tried ballet for the first time.

"Mom I'm bored" whined Annie. "Why don't you call your friends" replied her mother. "All of my friends are at the beach." Annie decided to go to the park when she came across a poster. "Ballet tryouts begin today." read Annie. "I wanna try out!". Annie rushed home to tell her mom. "Mom, mom can I try out for the ballet team?" asked Annie hoping that her mother would say yes. "Of course you can." said the mother. "But you have to do your homework first." Annie abruptly ran up to her room and started doing her homework. When she was done, they both left to the auditorium.

Annie was early so she got to perform first. At first, Annie thought it was going to be easy but later on she realized how tough and challenging it was. Surprisingly Annie made the team. She thought it was hard at first but later on she realized how fun ballet can be. Annie fell in love with ballet and she continued ballet for the rest of her life.

EXAM SUCCESS FEEDBACK

Great job practicing your writing! The feedback on your essay is divided into two parts. The first part consists of your revised essay, aimed at helping you improve grammar, spelling, and vocabulary. The second part provides a summary of key points to help you enhance the structure and relevance to the prompt. We hope you find these suggestions helpful!

Part 1: Language and Grammar Improvements

Have you ever wanted to try something new? This is a story about a girl called Annie who tried ballet for the first time.

"Mum[add a comma here] I'm bored[add a comma here]," whined Annie. "Why don't you call your friends[add a question mark here]?" replied her mother. "All of my friends are at the beach." Annie decided to go to the park when she came across a poster. "Ballet tryouts begin today," read Annie. "I want to endeavour (endeavour => attempt)[endeavour: to try hard to do or achieve something] to try out!" Annie rushed home to tell her mum. "Mum, mum[add a comma here] can I try out for the ballet team?" asked Annie[add a comma here] hoping that her mother would say yes. "Of course you can[add a comma here]," said the mother. "But you have to do your homework first." Annie expeditiously (expeditiously => quickly)[expeditiously: done with speed and efficiency] ran up to her room and started doing her homework. When she was done, they both left to the venue (auditorium => venue)[venue: a place where events or meetings occur].

Annie was early[add a comma here] so she got to perform first. At first, Annie thought it was going to be easy[add a comma here] but later on she realised how arduous (tough => arduous)[arduous: involving or requiring strenuous effort] and challenging it was. Astonishingly (surprisingly => astonishingly)[astonishingly: causing great surprise or amazement], Annie made the team. She thought it was hard at first[add a comma here] but later on she realised how fun ballet can be. Annie fell in love with ballet and she persevered (continued => persevered)[persevered: to persist in an activity or process despite difficulties or obstacles] in ballet for the rest of her life.

Part 2: Sentence Structure, Organization, and General Scoring

Here are three changes that focus on structure or relationship to the prompt:

1. Introduction: Your current introduction jumps right into Annie's story, but it might be helpful to start with a brief general statement about the importance of trying new things. This will help connect your essay to the prompt more effectively. For example, you could begin with something like, "Life is full of opportunities to explore new experiences, and stepping out of our comfort zone can lead to personal growth and unexpected passions." Then, you can introduce Annie's story as an example of this concept.

Original: "Have you ever wanted to try something new? This is a story about a girl called Annie who tried ballet for the first time."
Suggested: "Life is full of opportunities to explore new experiences, and stepping out of our comfort zone can lead to personal growth and unexpected passions. One great example of this is the story of a girl named Annie, who tried ballet for the first time."

2. Paragraph Structure: To make your essay easier to follow, consider breaking it into separate paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on a specific aspect of Annie's experience. For example, one paragraph could describe Annie's discovery of the ballet tryouts and her initial excitement. Another paragraph could detail her experience at the tryouts and the challenges she faced. Finally, a paragraph could discuss her success in making the team and her newfound love for ballet.

3. Conclusion: Your essay currently ends with Annie's perseverance in ballet, which is great. However, to make the essay more cohesive and tied to the prompt, consider adding a brief conclusion that reinforces the theme of trying new things. You could mention how Annie's willingness to try ballet allowed her to discover a passion she never knew she had and the value of embracing new experiences.

Original: "Annie fell in love with ballet and she persevered (continued => persevered)[persevered: to persist in an activity or process despite difficulties or obstacles] in ballet for the rest of her life."
Suggested: "Annie fell in love with ballet and persevered in it for the rest of her life. Her story is a powerful reminder that taking the leap to try something new can lead to unexpected joys and personal growth."
The general score for this essay is 5.

We hope these suggestions help you refine your essay! Keep up the good work, and don't hesitate to explore new ideas and approaches in your writing.