Example of Expert Detailed Feedback on Sample Essay – Room Renovations

by Exam Success

The below essay was written by a previous student and is displayed here to demonstrate detailed feedback available under a Writing Club plan. This report is for Writing Club – Pro. Join Writing Club – Pro to improve your writing now!

The Essay: A Rainfall of Decisions

I stared in shock at my house after I opened the door. There I saw was the biggest mess I had ever seen. My Mum and Dad were busily chattering about." Why can't we paint the house orange?" Dad asked "Because it looks like we live in a pumpkin pie!" Mum responded. They kept on fighting and fighting. Dad spotted me." Hey Allison! How's school today?" "Fine Dad" I responded. I ran upstairs to do my homework.

At dinnertime, I ran down stairs to the kitchen expecting myself to hear the food saying" Eat me! Eat me!" But instead, I heard the voices of Mum and Dad. And my god, the room was filthy like a pig sty. I forced myself to go back to my room and wait until the argument was over.

In the next morning, I heard Mum's voice say "Why can't we paint it white? It looks bigger this way." Mum asked "Because it would be so bright that no one knows where they are." Dad responded. I felt like I had enough of the argument. Because of this, I missed dinner and my breakfast.

I ran back home from school and busted into the room. As I thought, they were still fighting." Guys, I think I can choose. Mum, Dad ... can you paint the house blue?" I asked. They thought about it. It finally agreed to my thoughts and started to repaint the house again.

EXAM SUCCESS FEEDBACK

Great job practicing your writing! The feedback on your essay is divided into two parts. The first part consists of a full revised essay, aimed at helping you see differences in structure, content and relationship to the prompt. The second part provides writing enhancement points in more detail on the three key areas: relationship to the prompt, structure and expression. We hope you find these suggestions helpful!

Part 1: Your Revised Essay

Bedroom Renovation Woes

I arrived home to find my parents in a heated debate. “Why can’t we paint the bedroom orange?” Dad asked. “Because it looks like a pumpkin!” Mum retorted. Their argument was about renovating my bedroom, but they couldn’t agree on the colour scheme.

Feeling disheartened, I went upstairs to do my homework. I hoped that by dinnertime, they would have resolved their disagreement. However, when I went downstairs, the bickering continued, and I decided to retreat to my room, skipping dinner.

The next morning, I overheard Mum suggesting a different colour. “Why not white? It makes the room look bigger,” she said. “It’s too bright,” Dad countered. Exhausted by their constant arguing, I missed both dinner and breakfast.

Determined to end the conflict, I returned from school and intervened. “Mum, Dad, let’s paint the bedroom blue,” I suggested. After considering my proposal, they finally agreed and began the renovation process together.

Part 2: Writing Enhancement Points and General Scoring

Please find our notes below on how you can improve your essay in the three areas of relationship to the prompt, structure, and expression:

1. Relationship to the prompt: You’ve made a great effort in writing a story, but to better align it with the prompt, the content was adjusted to focus on renovating a bedroom, rather than the entire house. By adding details that reflect the challenges of organising a renovation project, such as the character’s parents debating over colours, your improved essay now directly relates to the given prompt and follows the character’s journey to find a solution to the renovation issue.

2. Structure: Your original essay had some excellent ideas, but the balance between ‘showing’ and ‘telling’ sentences in each paragraph needed a bit of improvement. In the revised essay, each paragraph contains two showing sentences (e.g., dialogue and specific details) and two telling sentences (e.g., narrative statements and explanations). This balance provides a clearer understanding of the character’s experiences and emotions, while maintaining a consistent flow throughout the story. Keep this structure in mind for your future writing!

3. Expression: You have a unique writing style, and the revised essay focuses on refining and correcting grammar and punctuation errors. Unnecessary content (e.g., the messy kitchen) has been removed to maintain focus on the bedroom renovation. The improved essay demonstrates more concise language and better sentence structure, making the story easier to read and understand. Keep up the great work, and remember that practice makes perfect in your writing journey!

The general score for this essay is 5.

We hope these suggestions help you refine your essay! Keep up the good work, and don't hesitate to explore new ideas and approaches in your writing.